Saturday, April 8, 2006 - 02:39 a.m.
Tumble weed went that way.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006 - 12:19 a.m.
Snip snip, Darlings. A weight has been removed.
Tonight I'm bored again, and I won't be explaining my commentary above. I'm tired and a bit nauseus ( spelling kfuxkitblah. ) I think I'll drag this carcass to bed. There's some one warm there, that loves me. He does a lot of things I don't see for me, and we stop there because Rae starts to cry.
Fuck. Overly emotional was right, but the rest was bullshit. Xenophobia ? Exercising our vocabulary tonight huh. Yeah.. atleast I'm not a pseudo-sensitive wise life loving bi-sexual. When you grow up, maybe you can call me, but I'd rather you didn't because I am too immature to ever forgive you for being what you are so flambouently.
Some one give me something to do so I don't have time for these idiocies any more.
APPLAUSE
Friday, March 17, 2006 - 03:24 p.m.
It'd be hard for me to name something that didn't hurt right now. Sure the pain is dull and it'll go away, but the fact that it's here now.. that's the problem. The thing that bothers me the most is my head. I feel as though my mind is decaying from boredom. Which leads me to I hate money because I don't have any. I want to go out and buy something so I can quell my boredom but that probably isn't happening.. since MarK only just got a new job, and I remain unemployed. Fuck fuck fuck, what am I going to do ? I'm gonna find a job and suffer again, but be less bored. It's always something with me, I suppose.
Monday, March 13, 2006 - 08:02 p.m.
Welcome to allergy season, population dropping rabidly due to an over flow of nasal seepage more commonly refered to as snot. Seriously, my face is running. On top of that, I'm starting to think I have joan crawford-esk eyebrows. Now there's a fuckin' scary thought if you happen to know who she is.
Anyway, MarK and I spent the night at his parents's house last night. His Dad told us about some property he was trying to purchase and would rent to us for the same fee we're paying for this sack of crap place. Whupdedoo. I hate how he goes on about us needing to go back to school.. mind your own business, and please don't play your brother's shitty songs. He cannot sing, I am sorry he can't but that doesn't mean I have to endure that shit for 7 minutes solid. No. After the speech, MarK and I went and took a shower together... this was his Dad's idea. It makes me worry that he would encourage that in his own home. I try so hard to be respectful when it comes to my attraction to MarK on his property but.. don't slap me in the face by encouraging it. The shower they have isn't real big for two people.. we were litterally belly to belly and rotating to get under the shower head. It was funny though, we kept spitting on each other and we washed each other. Party party, blah.
I built a mechanical kangaroo by TAMIYA yesterday, I must've done something wrong because it hops backwards. But that only adds to it's fun. I seriously love the damn thing. It's orange by the way.
I was giving MarK head on the couch today.. he was standing on it and molesting my throat. I kept making the ' Vroom ' accellerating noise you hear when nas-suck is on t.v., that was hilarious. When he was about to cum, I started having an attack from my allergies and I sneezed open mouthed onto him right as he blew his load. I suck. Mhmm.
Oh and when MarK and I left his parents's house this morning ( we were the only ones left at that point ) we cleaned it up like good lil' chilrens. Dishes, laundry, vaccuming. Huttah. Shoot me.
Wednesday, March 8, 2006 - 05:41 p.m.
I want to dance, like in a very bad old Alanis Morrisette video.. if you know the one you have my sympathy. But yes, I want to dance. Specifically I want to dance to the Frank Sinatra version of ' I only have eyes for you '. Fuck, I want to have my first dance as a married woman to this song. Is that too much ?
I have 22 wife points now.. only about 978 more. MarK if you're not keeping score, I feel sorry for you because I'm taking this seriously. Dorkus.
Tuesday, March 7, 2006 - 01:51 p.m.
Some people should be shot in the face, you're probably one of them. Note, that spite is directed at one ungreatful person on DevArt... excuse the fuck out of me for not knowing ebay perfectly, and for even telling you your art was being stolen.. hope you pull that stick out of your ass soon, bitch.
I want to make sushi jewelry, fuck.
Also I am watching japanese horror dun dun .. DUN. Yeah. I suck.
Tuesday, March 7, 2006 - 06:35 a.m.
You don't know it, but I'm having one of those days. Today after an extended wait for MarK to wake the fuck up, we went out to Kroger's and bought some pre-made pseudo sushi. We ended up eating it in the midsts of every one going home from work traffic.. was kind of funny to try and man chop sticks for MarK while he was driving. Speaking of that, I actually got to drive today. Woot, didn't kill any mail boxes either.
But anyways, one of those days, right ? Well. I want to be engaged today, I've been thinking about rings and shit,.. even looking at them. MarK thinks we still need to work things out before we take that next step.. I guess he's right, but I'm impatient.. I need something now. I wish you knew that. I feel like I need a cigarette now.
I made myself an internal promise.. it's one I don't mind sharing, if I make it public maybe I can keep it better. I won't be talking to will for the rest of this week, or until next monday. Maybe after that, I can make the promise again and for longer. Laura was right, talking to him is bad for me. I don't need to be that desperate for attention, I can make better friends and elsewhere for that matter too.
I'm feeling crafty, I want to do crafts.. but I don't have what I need to do them. Meh..
Also Precious.
Monday, March 6, 2006 - 11:35 a.m.
Yesterday was a horrible day. I stayed up for what I consider to be an unholy amount of time, and we went to choir practice.. but I got a compliment after ol' vibratey left from the woman I moved down to sit next to. She told me that I sounded like I had done a lot of these things, and that I sounded very good. I was shocked at that.. and my eyes were huge, I could feel my lids stretching to compensate the expression.. and I told her that she was the one that was good, and I was only following her singing. It was completely true, damn it. I don't deserve credit when go crickty crack crack.. crack.
Next we went to MarK's family's house - at this point I actually was feeling pretty charged up, happy that practice was over and went well, and my ego was swelling from that nice lady's compliment. Dinner was good aside from the green beans, I hate those. I don't care who makes them they're just nasty, Sorry Becky if you ever see that. We had ham, potatos, green beans, and bread sticks courtesy of Patrick - whom is a culinary master by my standards. Everything was relatively quiet.. we watched some crappy thing on discovery about animals ' behaving badly ' - that blood shooting eye was not a great dinner enhancer.. bleugh. Anyway... we stayed until about 11 and by that time I was litterally passing out, and had been drifting between conciousness and unconciousness for a long time. MarK was being a selfish dick and wanted to watch the end of ' Joe Dirt ', little things like that really piss me off.. especially when he can see how bad a condition I am in.
I'm feeling guilty because we don't have any cat food, and the cats are obviously hungry.. MarK you lazy bastard wake up. This is another situation where my inability to drive makes me practically invalid.
But yeah.. I watched the goonies this morning, feeling a bit better after sleeping, and I'm trying to fix my pill taking scheduel - I've been so damn bad. I swear, if I end up pregnant I'm going to really hate myself.. this is not the right time, or the right place. It isn't the right me, for damnsake..
Sunday, March 5, 2006 - 02:30 a.m.
By the way, Gwen steffani is on my shit list. Bitch, if you weren't rich you couldn't remake GOOD songs into your pop-raganda fueled shit. Thanks a lot for reminding me why I tend to hate people who aren't jews. I'm sure Topol is spinning in his grave due to your harpy screechings. You fucking bitch.
Friday, March 3, 2006 - 09:49 a.m.
I'm fucking cold. Kinda bored too, been watching a lot of American Dad, but you can only see Klaus talk so many times.. Oh who am I kidding, I fucking love that fish, and I would probably straddle his bowl. Today is pay check day at hobby lobby, MarK and I shall be making our grand and probably final appearance. Fuck you ' Miss ' jean, I'm sure you have a dick in you somewhere, and it's probably in your ass which would explain so very much. Cunt. I've been kind of sick since talking to Will. I think he really does make me physically ill, which I cannot explain since I do not love him any more. Bleugh * shakes violently *. I need to make some more friends, but I don't really know how to go about it. Damn it Rachael, you fucking failure.
Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 11:28 a.m.
Thank you Kawaii Radio, you remind me of c.d.s that weren't worth my money. Seriously, if I wanted to hear bad american versions of songs from sailor moon.. well. I wouldn't so I guess we might not have that problem so go to hell and hit the next button.
I, after a great deal of years finally saw the 6th sense. I knew the spoiler ending in advance, but that did no good. It couldn't spare me from the inpending guilt inflicted upon me by ' Cole ' telling his ' Mama ' that ' Grandma ' came to visit and was sorry for moving the pin scene. I swear, I need to go to new york and cry on my Nana's grave for a while.. it's been almost 11 years.. to the day I believe.
I love the feeling of skin. Skin is good, skin is great skin skin skin. When MarK touches me, I feel ten hundred thousand lights across my flesh come on. It's like I've become a human spot light, and all I can feel is heat. It drives me twoard arousal, and I can't be held back, or helped. Touch is erotic. I suppose that makes me a simple girl, but I'm simply a happy girl.. which is better than a stupid girl.
I wish the next episode of Die Buster would be released. And I wish matt would fuck off. Matt if you see this stop harassing MarK and I, we both hate you. We'd turn your ass in too, so shut the fuck up and kill yourself.
More ranting. I wonder, if I'm boring, or he's boring and just condescending. When I think about Will, I still physically get sick. Power of the broken heart, I suppose. It makes me think about a poem that came to mind when I was depressed. Pained little princess, your mind is a grave yard for broken hearts. Loves you couldn't nurse into being, a field of abortions. You sit on a throne of deciet, and the cushion is as hard as your husk. Your pity lacks worth as does your soul.. you'd be better off in a dirt filled hole, Little Princess. *Snap snap* I wanted that to be a snape, but then the radio put on music that made me think. Party Fuckin' party. Indiegestion kicks my ass.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006 - 07:36 p.m.
I am a hole. That's all I am. A hole.
Why though ? Because I'm female, my thoughts are valueless. Anything I create is useless. Any idea has the same worth. I hate myself, and everything around me, but that can't be helped. God I sound emo, which I also hate. How's that song go ?..
I want to have something, I keep having a re-occuring day dream of being on top of an obelisk, but by on top I mean it's through my chest and I'm dead. But I look happy so what's the secret here ? I'll bite the inside of my lip and pretend not to know. I wonder if it would hurt if I ripped my heart out. And I wonder even more so if any one would notice.
In addition to all of that garbage, I would like to denote that I officially take back any cruel statements twoard my ex in the entry from the 6th, I'm the one that sucks not him.
Monday, January 16, 2006 - 01:41 p.m.
I'm bored but inspired. On top of that I'm lacking materials to create something. Deep down, I want to make something beautiful that requires a lot of effort .. I hate not having the things I need or the time. Fuckin' work, you ruin everything. And I'm still worth more than $6.25 an hour.
Friday, January 6, 2006 - 04:28 p.m.
The unthinkable can become a reality when you're a dork like myself. Sure I'm a hypocritical, me. But who cares ? this song is awesome. Sweet sweet, you're so sweet. By the way, Will HOW CAN YOU SUCK SO MUCH AND NOT FUCKING TURN INSIDE OUT ? Seriously. You're a walking blow job, a caniverous walking blow job. That is if you even can walk at this point. Teehee! Work still sucks by the way, but I don't care. We're almost out of debt. Being on your feet is cool. And I'm all.. losing my gurth - new years I was hawt. Spelled incorrectly for effect. Rio red dress, you are too big for me now. You need to be taken in.
By the way, bell south and all of your reps you can burn in hell for what you've put me and surely hundreds of thousands of others through. How could you possibly be so completely inept ? I don't understand and I don't want to. But here's a free suggestion, less departments more compitence. Ok! YOSH! EYEBROWS!
I'm feeling that little tickle of inspiration right now.. it's like ' I am woman hear me roar ' but less scaring people in elevators.
Thursday, December 8, 2005 - 01:04 p.m.
I'm smoking a candy cane to the somber sounds of Air - Biological. My brain is starving for fresh media but the downloads say I have to wait, and every blog I read is a rag waiting for a flame.
God I look hot in that picture. I'm a noob.
Thursday, December 8, 2005 - 11:56 a.m.
pink iguana glow in the dark condom
Wednesday, December 7, 2005 - 02:29 p.m.
Gave my heart a jump-start, a crank for the good old vena cava twins and the other anatomy of my pulsating muscle. I'm misbehaving like a bandit, and damn do I want to say ' in a china shop '. But really everything is more simple than that, it boils down to a sort of bad habbit I have a tendency to indulge in when I'm feeling low. I'm speaking of none-other-than my ex-boyfriend Will. I love love love( ! ) to check his stupid little live journal once every couple of months and laugh at his circumstances. Meager little man, no endowment could save you from your own stupidity. I'm still laughing like a fat nimbus cloud over a parade. Your missery is my joy, you lamer.
Wednesday, December 7, 2005 - 01:59 p.m.
" My boss is a bitch. ", said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again. I really want to quit my job so I don't have to go and get verbally abused by this woman for a measly 6.25 an hour. I'm better than that and when I get a fucking license I'm completely finished with her.
At my job I have to know almost the entire stock of the damn store, a hobby lobby which has practically everything you'll ever not need or give a shit about. But I have to be aware of it and know if it's on sale. As long as I'm thinking about all the stupid shit this store sells let me note, a tree is NOT an arrangement. I don't give a FUCK what department it came from. It's a TREE.
Meh. Yesterday Laura and Dad got a new dog, they've named the poor beast ' Missy ', which I personally think sucks. The dog got spayed yesterday too, and on top of all of her troubles has a torn pad in her paw so she can't even walk correctly right now. But of course she still cost them $187, which I would've appreciated as rent, you assholes.
I feel kind of vaccant recently, I miss Rat. The stress from my job is clogging my mind and I feel like I don't get any enjoyment out of life aside from when MarK is with me. I want more from this existance.
Mrs.Jean is a stingy bitch, she only gives a $30 christmas bonus to full time workers who have been there for a year. Yeah, you do fourty six thousand worth of business and all you can afford is thirty bucks a pop for your full timers. Merry fucking christmas you bitch, I hope you choke on a cucumber since no man would dare approach your fat saggy balding ass.
PS; Go fuck yourself Mrs.Jean.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005 - 09:52 p.m.
Well, I wanted to write something worth-while to denote the departure of Rat my precious cat but my neighbor had to ruin that for every one and any one but mostly me who reads this rag. Rat passed away in my arms somewhere around 10pm on the 28th of november. I miss my baby so much, and those might just be the words and mounrful tears of some one wanting something they can't have but the sincerity is there. We burried Rat under a small pine tree at the ' Status Graveyard ' just to the left of MarK's parents's house. But I already said that, but I don't care, live with it. Rat liked to chase ribbon, my hand, and anything else that moved just the right way. His collar is hanging on a candlobra in the bedroom, and I'll keep that collar until I eventually have to bite the dusty dust dust dust, dust mites. Precious seems for the most part un-effected by our family's loss, and infact seems to be improving. But she's just not my baby. Actually, Panthra acts a lot like Rat. It makes me think that the personality is relatively standard amoungst tabby cats.
Today my boss was actually nice despite my mistakes, which I think there were a total of 4 on the record for. She actually let MarK take me home and let him stay on the clock ( woo ? ). But I'm a brat so we had to go get some food before the final drop point. Wish I could drive tonight.
Monday, November 28, 2005 - 02:58 p.m.
Last night Rat died, wee. My idiotic neighbor is lingering outside talking to me about it. I can't believe how he can go on and on and on about it. We laid Rat to rest under a tree next to dozy and tt, so he won't be lonely. Dan shut the fuck up.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005 - 01:11 p.m.
I've come to the conclusion that life is nothing but an unending series of idiocy, and unhappiness. Sure it sounds overly dramatic but when you look closely enough the happiness can't out weigh the pain that other people inflict upon us. I really do wish I could just not wake up any more, being too lazy to commit suicide is crap.
Wednesday, November 2, 2005 - 03:29 p.m.
This entry was written on the 21st of october, reguardless of what pitas says.
On the 18th of october 2005 my Dad's ' faithful ' companion bit the dust. Yes lady dog has finally bitten the dust. She was an old dog and had put in 14 years and 5 months of service. When she finally went it was in her favorite place, the car. Her last meal was steak, and the last person that petted her was my Dad. Her final resting place is at the corner of the house near the orange tree. Hopefully the oranges for this year won't taste like dog.
Everything is everything in south carolina. Which is the reason for my lack of sociality in my writings. The entry that you see before you was made even with out internet. Supposedly we have it but none of our lovely phone jacks are functional, even since the last tennant whom happens to be our neighbor now.
As it goes, MarK and I are currently working on a house for his Grand father on the Adcox side. The house burnt down about three years ago and has been rained in ever since. What a hole, I mean it. I hate that damn house but thanks to it my fatty belly is slowly moving stage right. MarK is working unbelievably hard on that place. He goes every day and I go every other because my body needs time to recooperate. But I'm a good woman, I give MarK massages when he gets home and I usually have dinner good to go.
Our land lord is a jack ass, he gives off an aura of extreme superficial nature. That makes me wanna give him a solid tap on the chin. I swear that man must have some new kind of handicap that man has yet to come up with a name for having something to do with an inability to pick up the fucking phone. He has a responsibility to the tennant to have the house in a certain condition. Example; Trash can. There should be one, not us having to beg for one. Example 2; The oven and fridge according to the man's own lease are to be clean. Guess who had the honor of scrubbing those both out ( Assisted by MarK on the fridge ). If you guessed yours truely then I guess you can go have something with a synthetic additive in it, only if you aren't diabetic though.
And the fun rolls on. I have birth control at long last, South Carolina actually gives it out for free unlike florida which charges according to what you make. In florida it's probably cheaper to have a baby in the long run instead of forfieting another portion of your paycheck to some faceless blah blah blah.
I kind of got myself into trouble today ( which is the 21st ). In the heat of rage against Laura's mother, I got myself into having to write her a letter that is civil and poinient but with out ( here's the catch kids ) telling her what I really think of her. My thoughts at the moment are pretty much ' You're old and you could die at any minute, maybe now's a good time to let your kids know you love them so you aren't remembered as a boring fat worthless woman '. Good stuff huh ?
Last year on november-ish I made an annoucement that MarK is the proud uncle of a nephew. Neil Jackson Truitt. Well that little boy is about to have his first birf day. Yay.
Murr, for the record by the way.
Monday, September 26, 2005 - 11:29 p.m.
My mind is the death star collapsing into the ewok planet. Fuck, I mean it. I want MarK and I want him [firey woman brand rage ( patent pending )]NOW[/firey woman brand rage ( patent pending )]. Things are bad, Dad's deal hasn't closed yet and he doesn't have the money to evacuate me permanently from my awful bat-hutch. I've really had enough of this place and the people. Time for baby birdy to jump out of the nest and hopefully not land on her face/neck. For the most part I'm packed, the things that haven't found boxes respectively are my clothes, consoles, and things too large to fit into boxes. Still wanting MarK. I really want sex right now, the ' Touch me ' song is blaring inside of my mind even though winamp is trying to counter me with bleach - ' life is like a boat '. No go llama whipper. I wonder what else could possibly go wrong ? Better yet, I wonder but am glad not to be aware. Ignorance really is bliss.
Friday, September 23, 2005 - 10:32 a.m.
Head
hitting
desk
9 more days and I'm free. Huttah my children.
Monday, September 19, 2005 - 04:50 a.m.
Ugh, the last couple of days have sucked it pretty hard. Deborah ( Laura's friend ) took refuge from her boyfriend here. Basically their relationship is falling appart not that it was one in the first place. 'Campbel' has been treating her like a sugar momma the entire time and seems to have no respect for her. It's fucking stupid. And yet, she has the audacity to inflict her relationship advice on me which ended up giving me some stupid ass nightmares. Deborah thinks that I need some kind of material posession to show that MarK loves me. Thanks bitch but I don't need my ticket punched, my relationship is solid and I don't need validation through some tacky ass trinket. Secure your own love life before you go giving other people advice.
And my period is right on time, was having lovely premenstural cramp session all day yesterday. Ugh. And I found out that I've had a broken tooth for a long while because I was taking a close look at my teeth.. and well one in the back is missing one of it's points on the front left side.
Around 5pm I went to sleep, and around 4:30am I woke up. As usual I went to the bathroom, but this morning there was a suprise for me in there. Laura had essentially finished the dress she was working on for me. I don't think I could've felt more guilty upon seeing it. She must've worked all day and she probably is going to be in a lot of pain today. Damn it..
Oh and I finished this
Friday, September 16, 2005 - 05:26 a.m.
WOOHOO! Two good things today - atleast thus far and I have the whole day ahead of me. First, I GOT TO TALK TO MARK HURRAH! Second, I got all of the adventures of sonic the hedgehog. I've been missing MarK for so damn long, but talking to him I kind of shot my mouth off and said ' GD '. It was more than embarassing fuck, it'd be easier to just tell him I wet the bed or something stupid like that. I almost feel as though I've lost my self control because I usually can stop myself from saying that particular phrase and even I am offended by it. But, yeah.. I'll get that under control and the universe can continue to exist.
As for Sonic I'm currently watching the chaos emerald saga. You know what would've been the simplest solution ? Go back in time to the conception of Dr.Robotnik and give his mom a fuggin' condom. Or break her cloning machine.. whichever you like.
I'm bakin' cookies. Fun :B!
Thursday, September 15, 2005 - 04:51 a.m.
Ugh! Something Awful has really lived up to it's title in the last two days. Their last two awful links of the day have almost brought me to the point of wanting to quit the internet - but then I remember how wonderful it is to be blissfully unaware of things like harry potter snape slash, and ICP slash. Bleh.
I want MarK, which is par for me and I got him today, at the very least in email form which is most excellent than what I have been getting. Huttah.
Matt is a loser, grand total of 34 messages sent to me in a period of about three hours. Each one was laughed at and then ignored until it's box began to blink again. Then I started to play games - seeing how long I could wait to click before I got too curious and then how many messages he actually sent with in that time period. What a fucking loser. Matt if you're reading this stop calling my house, you suck. Go kill yourself.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005 - 05:34 a.m.
Resisting the urge to make a Captain Kirk like entry is hard for me right now. But it's been too damn long since I've spoken to or seen, or even confirmed that MarK is still fucking alive. I could use a bit of reassurance right now. I'm drunk from a lack of sleep and I don't feel good. The whore is really really really really stupid. It's painful for me to have to put up with, she said ' we're on the same team ' earlier, and I tried to make a joke out of it earlier by responding ' we don't even have the same jersies ' and it flew right over her head, taking two full minutes to register. God save me.
Sunday, September 11, 2005 - 02:48 a.m.
Ok Patrick you're right, I should adjust myself not try to adjust my surroundings. I'm not going to submit to saying I feel better because if I did, well it'd be a bold faced lie. My ribs still hurt, but it's nothing compared to how much I ache to see MarK again. Octoooober...
Friday, September 9, 2005 - 12:55 a.m.
I'm begining to see more and more that I know less than what I think I do. Today's example will be Faith and in general religion. I'm reading about Presbyterians, and well I was driven to tears. I'm confused, I don't see how people can draw faith from their beliefs, it bewilders me that I can't grasp something that appears to be so simple. Maybe there's more depth to that pond than I had previously thought. I wish I could talk to MarK right now and have it explained, hell I wish I had MarK period.
It's all too frightening to be comprehended.
Tuesday, September 6, 2005 - 02:17 a.m.
If I look only half as bad as I feel I'm comming out on top. I'm sick with a lack of understanding and my stomach's full of lonliness.
Damn Trunksie said I should go emo today. I like being clean, fuck emo. I'm just depressed it's not what I consider a life style choice. It's been entirely too long since I've spoken with MarK. Where is October and why isn't it here yet ? Everything will be better then. Everything I write is starting to sound like a bad song, and I just want to turn off the radio.
Sunday, August 21, 2005 - 04:05 a.m.
Friday, August 19, 2005 - 09:40 p.m.
I'm horribly perplexed, the problem is I sort of bite for things like past lives. If they're true then I don't know what the previous owner of this soul did but it must've been awful because on one hand I have my parents; betraying loathesome treacherous and ignorant beyond repentance and the other hand I have MarK whom is more than I could've ever asked for or deserved.
Recently I heard that there're no maidens left to be saved - but I think there are and that I am definetly one of them. MarK help me..
Thursday, August 18, 2005 - 11:58 a.m.
MarK I don't know if you know, but when you told me what happened I started to cry. Poor kitty... I'm holding Rat now because it's about all I can do, but I hope you'll be alright more than I'm worrying about myself. I miss you so much, not just physically, the sound of your voice ... I want to hear it all the time.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005 - 06:22 p.m.
Welp, there's proof in the pudding. The whore's presence stresses me so much that I can't even tell when my period is starting. And praise God, it started about 10 minutes ago. But my normal symptoms have been all but transparent and since she's been here I've had consistant abdominal cramps. I want MarK and I want to get out of here.
and NO I AM NOT FUCKING EMO.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005 - 06:08 a.m.
I'm sick. Not just of being in this house, but physically. I'm not doing real well. I don't sleep as much as I should, I'm eating like there's no bottom to my stomach, and my ribs hurt like hell. It must be depression. And really who wouldn't be after all the shit I've been through this week ?
I want MarK.. I want to be where he is, I want to spend my life with him and I'm not gonna be happy until that can finally begin. I just hope the lessons my parents have taught me through their actions don't make it so that I can never trust him the way that I will treat them for the rest of my life.
Still don't have my period..not late yet though.. let's be optimistic and remember that paranoia is my forte.
Friday, August 12, 2005 - 10:17 p.m.
Heh, I know up to the second updating is obnoxious, ignorant and attention seeking; but damn the radio is mocking me. I turn it on, and Eternal snow is on. Ker-slapped in the face for the win.
Friday, August 12, 2005 - 09:55 p.m.
Well that tore - I'm prepared to die now. My Father has informed me that he won't be getting rid of the whore and that she'll be living here now. I don't know what to do with myself, I want to put it all to an end but that wouldn't really benefit me, or MarK. Hurting MarK is not what I'm looking to accomplish, and killing the whore will only get me into the sort of trouble that I can't solve. I've never felt so powerless in my entire life. I can't stop crying, but I want to stop breathing.
I finally realized that I should've been an abortion, neither of my parents wanted me they were just perpetuating the lesson that had been taught to them by their own parents - breed. If you don't really love the child you bring into the world then just don't bother. You're wasting every one involved's time. My parents should both be dead. They're BOTH monsters. But please don't mistake this for teen angst bullshit, this has been given much thought and couldn't be more sincere or heartfelt. If there is a God then please strike them both dead and quickly - I know you're busy if you're there but I just can't handle the pain. Listening to them eat in the room just beyond this one makes me want to vomit.
I have to get out of here.
That bastard father of mine, that almighty son of a bitch had the nerve to dredge up this masterful work of bullshit for me ' I want to make you happy ', if my happiness was anywhere near your priorities list you never would've found it possible to concauct such a despicable act let alone go through with it. The price of my happiness is not one you can afford apparently. Where do I want to live you say ? Anywhere but with you. You're shit.
Friday, August 12, 2005 - 01:08 a.m.
And now for an awful poetic remdition of what has happened on this horrible day.
The door was open, and I walked on in. I was lead in by my own ignorance, trust given blindly and with out a second thought the gates have closed.
Nothing but my own personal hell lays in my path, the fork to salvation couldn't be further from my sight.
My love is far from me and missery flooding takes over my heart.
I'm not sure how much of this I can stand, I'm outraged and overwhelmed by the horror of my Father's betrayal.
I don't know what to do.
Yeah .. I'd shoot myself in the face but my finger is out of ammo.. add that to my christmas list if you love me.
and for the last fucking time I'm not emo, go away you emo-witnesses... celebrators of dirty hair and bitching.
Thursday, August 11, 2005 - 12:09 a.m.
Well fuck if Murphy wasn't out to get me today, and got me he did. My day began with me being roused from a sound sleep by mind crippling rib pain. This went on for roughly two and a half hours, in which I struggled over what to do; Call Dad ? Call MarK ? Call 911 ?. I tried frantically to reach those first two options with very limited success. Then it happened - I was relaxing in my Dad's bed ( I was unable to find even a shred of comfort in any position during my period of torment ) and I actually had fallen asleep but I was awakened by vomitting - yep my record of 12 years is officially broken as of today and ironically enough it was pizza AGAIN. Once is never enough though - I threw up twice in the same place. This new addition to my perfect day drove me to call MarK about three times and then sydni finally picked up. I ended up waking MarK up - but I was frantic, the world had moved and not at my beckoned call. Oh and in the middle somewhere lady threw up too. Rat was too cool to join the barf club though - what an asshole cat.
After the dog and I finally finished emptying the contents of our stomachs onto the carpet and tile, I decided to cook .. she inhaled the mini-burger I made for her and nagged me out of about half of mine.
The rest essentially has been my boredom.. and paranoia - I don't know what I'm going to do about filling out the college papers, and I get the strong feeling I'm either going to be rejected, or have to take yet another test, or behind door number three some how pass and just suck it up into failure. I really don't want to grow up.
Monday, August 8, 2005 - 05:04 p.m.
Ya know, I don't mean to rip of cowboy bebop but really when I punch the shit out of my computer it works better. I don't understand it and I don't care to learn how it works but maybe it's just me that thinks hitting machinery shouldn't be the answer.
Anyways now that I've vented that much we shall transition ( word of the day woo. ) into my awful nightmare from my last session of sleep.
It starts out, that I'm watching the weather channel and the weather woman says it's going to rain, and for once they're right .. and it keeps raining and raining. Soon the coldesac ( spelling ? ) at the base of my drive way begins to pool all of the massive downpour. Dogs start showing up too, and since I can't bare the idea of not doing something when it comes to things like that, I bring 'em into my house. I keep watching as the rain continues to fall from the sky, but there seems to be no end to the mighty mass of nimbus that blocks out the sun. The water is still rising, and my house is now filled with animals. The coldesac is a mere memory at the bottom of a lake, and still there is no end to it. Eventually the water rises all the way up the hill my home is on and it seeps under the door. There's still no relief in sight as the water comming down just gets worse. The clouds burst and it's like niagra. The glass on the porch and in the living room window give, the house is flooded and every one drounds. The world is submerged.
I hate the inside of my head sometimes - it makes it hard for me to live.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005 - 10:06 a.m.
Today is my day, atleast it's supposed to be. MarK is to be comming down from south carolina to visit with me through the 27th.. I should be happy. Instead I'm worried way up past the top of my head, so high that somewhere in heaven some one's gonna trip over the lump of my worry all the way from here. Considering I'm in florida, that's a lot of being upset over nothing that's happened yet. Problem is I haven't spoken to MarK in a day or so and I just don't know. That's one of the things I just can't handle, not knowing.. blah.
Monday, July 18, 2005 - 02:44 p.m.
I still worship and adore Gokou.
Even if your snotty anime fan ass doesn't.
So fuck you if you don't like it, gently with a chain saw.
Monday, July 18, 2005 - 09:06 a.m.
In the space between dreaming and awake, I found your face. My hands caressed soft flesh, it was warm and I wept a little just to feel you. My lips met your cheeks, and then it was over because reality awoke me and you weren't here.
For the love of GOD.
PLEASE SEND WEDNESDAY ALREADY.
Saturday, July 16, 2005 - 01:51 p.m.
Hey Alexi, you think you're hot shit because you're still in high school and I got a GED instead. Well guess what, even if you do make more money than me I'm gonna have 100% better sex than you ever will, and no matter how much fucking money you have you can't buy it. You're probably a dyke anyways.
MarK rules.
Thursday, July 14, 2005 - 09:11 a.m.
There once was a man who was very rich who had losts of money, a big house and lots of women. Well when a man has everything he gets bored. To reduce the boredom, our man had an annual party that was just amazing. Every year he would outdo the previous year. He was still bored. One year he had an idea. He filled the pool with crocodiles. Halfway through the annual party, he announced: "Anyone who can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive can have my house." There was silence. Then he added, "Anyone that can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive can have my house and all my investments and stocks." Still silence. Sweetening the offer he added, "Anyone who can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive, can have my house, my stocks, my investments and all my money." Suddenly, there's a loud splash. There's a man in the pool fighting for his life with the crocodiles. It's a struggle, but he manages to swim across the pool. He just makes it to the other end and climbs out, half dead with one arm and one leg. "Oh my god" Said the rich man that was incredible. "When do you want the house?" "I dont want the house" said the poor guy. "When do you want the money?" "I don't want the money." "When do you want all my stocks and investments?" "I don't weant your stocks and investments." So the rich guy says "Well what do you want then?" "I want the bastard that pushed me in."
Wednesday, July 13, 2005 - 07:19 p.m.
Well, I've joined the blade of stormwind. Who saw that comming.. I mean really that oughta be a human guild and in game I'm an elf. But they seem like a nice enough bunch, and no sooner am I into the guild do I get a whisper from Hans ( unity ) to join HIS guild. Blah.
it's all very frustrating.
I just want MarK.
I want to sleep.
blah..
Wednesday, July 13, 2005 - 12:24 p.m.
I'm my own thief - I stole this layout from myself. Stupid huh ? I made this for matt a long time ago back when he almost deserved it. I would've made a new one but honestly I haven't had the intrest, the energy, or the inspiration to come up with anything.. yeah it's been a while shut up.
Today my guild died, but I don't think I care, since it's death liberates MarK and I from stress, atleast leaderly-type stress. It's an improvement trust me.
Forgive all the page breaks I'm just not here right now.. head's everywhere but heart is lost, my shoulders ache and I don't have my period which pretty much means MarK and I will end up having to rescheduel our visit so that my period isn't a ' problem ' for us. I REALLY don't want him to come down and have to deal with my bleeding vagina when we're supposed to be celebrating..